Every one of these comes from a completely understandable impulse. You want them to know you've been trying. You want them to know what this has cost. None of that is unreasonable to feel.
It's just that a letter can't carry it. The letter has one job, and anything else you load onto it puts the whole thing at risk, including the part that was working.
Leave out
- Anything about the case. No hearings, no orders, no lawyers, no "when all this is over". Not even hopeful references.
- Anything about the other parent. Not a complaint, not a defence, not even a neutral mention. The letter has no other parent in it at all.
- "I've been trying to see you." However true it is. A child reads it as blame, and whoever checks the letter reads it as pressure.
- Guilt, in any wording. One line of warmth is right. A letter about how much this hurts you asks a child to manage an adult's feelings. They can't, and they shouldn't have to.
- Questions about the other house, even innocent ones. It's asking a child to report back, and anyone reading it recognises that instantly.
- Anything to pass on. No messages, no "tell your mum", no "ask your dad about". Never make your child a courier.
- Expensive gifts. Modest is fine and lands well. Big creates a problem in the other home and puts your child in the middle of it.
Before it goes
Reread it as the adult who will open it first. Cut anything that makes you wince.
The feelings still need somewhere to go
Keep the rest for somewhere it can go safely: a friend, a counsellor, a journal you never send. It shouldn't go nowhere. It just can't go in the letter.
General information, not legal advice. Court process differs between countries and regions; check anything that matters to your case with a qualified lawyer where you live.
Chapter 21 of the workbook covers indirect contact in full, including the affectionate traps that do more harm than this list. Worksheet N ends with a pre-send checklist for every letter, card or message.
See the workbook & spreadsheet