Loving messages that put pressure on an estranged child

The things that do the most damage aren't the angry ones. They're the loving ones.

The rules everyone knows, like don't criticise the other parent and don't mention court, are easy to follow, because you can feel yourself wanting to break them. These are harder, precisely because they don't feel like mistakes. They feel like being a good parent at a distance.

Some examples

• Big news. A new partner or a new baby, announced in a letter. Whatever you intended, it arrives as a replacement. There is a right time and a right way, and neither is in writing.
• A holiday or treat you had without them. It reads as "life is good without you", even when the point was to show you're coping.
• Their achievements. "I heard you got your grade 3." You've just told them you're getting information about them from somewhere. They'll wonder who from.
• Anything you could only know from their social media. The sharpest one. Mention their account and you can confirm every fear they may have about you. One line can cost years.

The last two are the ones that quietly cause the most harm. Both come from paying attention, which is the right instinct. It's showing that you've been paying attention that does the damage.

The test

Not "is this kind?" Almost everything on this list is kind.

Ask instead:

What does this ask of them?

If a line asks your child to feel something, manage something, answer something or choose something, take it out.

General information, not legal advice. Court process differs between countries and regions; check anything that matters to your case with a qualified lawyer where you live.