Indirect contact letters: what to write to your child

Writing into silence is one of the hardest things this process asks of anyone, and there's no version of it that feels natural.

Two readers

Write the letter to your child, and assume an adult reads it first. Often that's the other parent, sometimes a professional, and sometimes, eventually, a court.

That isn't paranoia. It's the ordinary shape of indirect contact.

So write for both: your child first, always, and never a line you wouldn't want read aloud in a hearing. Those two pull against each other far less often than you'd expect.

What the letter is for

Not to explain yourself, to be understood or to fix anything.

Its only job is to keep you an ordinary, familiar, undemanding presence in your child's life, so that whenever things change, you aren't a stranger.

Everything else follows from that.

What goes in

Your ordinary life. Small, specific and undramatic: the dog, what you cooked, a film you saw, the weather, something that reminded you of them.

Three habits

• Keep it short. A page or less. Long letters read as pressure, even when every word is kind.
• No questions that need answering. A child who can't reply feels an unanswered question as a weight. "I hope Year 8 is treating you well", not "How's school?"
• Sign off with reliability, not a request. "I'll write again next month." Something they can count on, and nothing they have to do.

Keep a copy

Date every letter and keep a copy before it goes. A file of dated letters is proof of consistency, and you may need it long before anyone asks.

Indirect contact is usually set out in a court order or agreement. Follow what yours says about how and how often to send, and ask your lawyer if it's unclear.

General information, not legal advice. Court process differs between countries and regions; check anything that matters to your case with a qualified lawyer where you live.