How often should you contact a child who isn't replying?
Less than you want to. Far more reliably.
Why more makes it worse
When it isn't working, the instinct is to do more of it. That's the one response that reliably makes things worse. It reads as pressure to the child, it confirms whatever they may have been told about you, and it's the pattern most likely to end up in front of a professional.
Why silence is worse still
Going quiet gets read as giving up, by them at the time and by anyone looking back at it later.
A rhythm you can keep
Pick a frequency you can sustain indefinitely, and keep it whatever happens. Monthly works for many people, plus birthdays and the holidays that matter.
The point is that it doesn't change: not more after a bad hearing, not less after a hard month, not more when you're feeling hopeful. The reliability is the message.
Keep a copy of every one
Years of dated, unanswered, calm contact is one of the most powerful records you can hold. You may never need it for that. But on the months when it feels pointless, the file is the evidence that it isn't.
The timescale isn't yours
This often turns in the child's own time, sometimes in their late teens or twenties. You aren't running a campaign. You're staying reachable.
Monthly will feel like doing almost nothing while something enormous is happening. But consistency is what they notice, consciously or not. A message that arrives every month for years, never asking for anything and never changing tone when you're angry or hopeful or exhausted, says something that forty messages in a fortnight can't.
The goal was never a reply. It's that when they're ready, there's no distance left to close.
If your contact is governed by a court order or agreement, its terms come first. Check with your lawyer before changing how or how often you get in touch.
General information, not legal advice. Court process differs between countries and regions; check anything that matters to your case with a qualified lawyer where you live.
Chapter 21 of the workbook covers rhythm, consistency and keeping a copy of everything. Worksheet N, the indirect contact log, is the dated file that shows years of steady, calm contact.
See the workbook & spreadsheet