Never use your child as a messenger between homes

Never send a message through your child. Not one, not ever, not even an easy one.

"Ask your mum what time on Sunday." It seems harmless. It's the smallest possible version of putting a child in the middle, and it never stays that size.

Also don't

• Ask them what happens at the other house. No leading questions about their time there, and no asking them to report back on anything.
• Discuss the case where they can hear. That includes phone calls in the next room and messages left open on a screen. Children read more than you think and hear almost everything.

If they tell you something

Listen. Note down exactly what they said, when and to whom.

Then stop. Follow-up questions can look like coaching, and to a trained evaluator coaching is usually obvious, however well meant it was.

Reassure without recruiting

They aren't responsible for the conflict. They don't have to take a side. That's worth saying far more often than anything about the dispute.

The hard part

The message you want to send through them is almost always genuinely practical: a time, a kit bag, a question that would take ten seconds. Going direct means an exchange with the other parent you'd rather not have.

Have the exchange, every time. It's two minutes of something unpleasant for you instead of a small piece of something heavy for them.

Everything else on this site is about presenting your case well. This one isn't. This one's just for them.

General information, not legal advice. Court process differs between countries and regions; check anything that matters to your case with a qualified lawyer where you live.